Hello you gorgeous lot & welcome to my last post of 2018!
Time for a bit of a ‘..*…-~~dear_diary~~…*..’ post. Grab a brew & get cosy! (I’m currently sat with a Hotel Chocolat hot choc – dark mint w/ coconut milk – which I was treated to cause I work with the absolute best weirdos evurrrrrr)
So if you’ve been keeping up with my #vlogmas then you’ll may know that I’ve had a little “aohfiudfhdhqwipo!!!” episode. I’m alright. I’m good. Don’t worry.
The thing is, if I feel a certain way, I like to understand why that is. I was in Newcastle, I’d just had my hair cut SUPERFLAPPERYFRENCH short & I came out, was killing time browsing & almost burst into tears in a New Look changing room. Nice. I didn’t know why I felt so low but I did. I had a lovely day planned & cut it short cause I needed to cry & go to bed. I hadn’t felt that low in y e a r s. I thought it may be a bit of an S.A.D episode but it didn’t add up cause the sun was out & I was f33lin’ myself. I spoke to my family & Alex about it & it came to me… I realized that I was feeling mentally burnt out. I was physically burnt out in the summer (I worked 7 weeks without a day off..) but this was a bit different…
Soooo long story slightly shorter, I haven’t had a break since I went to Spain for a week after my final drama school show at the start of July last year. I’ve been GOGOGO for 18 months. Baaaaasically… If I’m not doing an acting job, I’m in a non-actory job to get by, when I’m not there, I’m looking for acting work, applying for jobs, reading plays, prepping for an audition or self tape, researching, writing, singing, doing accents bla bla bla. When I’m not doing that, I’ll be doing stuff for The Jazzy Tipple. When I’m not doing that, I’ll be writing & editing blog posts, taking pictures, filming for YouTube, vlogging, editing etc. If I have a day off or two & I’m not doing any of the above, I’ll visit family. Yeah, that’s seen to me as a break but I’m travelling for hours, then trying to cram in a visit to each family member & spend enough time with them & not rush it. Then I’m straight on a train & straight back to work. I’ll go to the theatre or cinema or watch a beautiful British drama & whilst it’s relaxing, I’m fully immersed not just as an audience member but as an actor, too. Appreciating scene changes and duologues and the way the director has positioned things or what Laban effort I think a character is… The only time I fully switch off is when I’m in the bath or doing yoga.
A lot of what I do is by choice – I don’t have to do a lot of what I chose to do but I’m a creative. I can’t help it. I’m a creative person who grafts because I enjoy working hard. Most of what I do doesn’t get seen & there’s a silly notion that you’re only working if you get paid for it. So it may look to someone like I’m not working as hard as someone working 47 hours a week but that’s just not the case at all. I’ll get up, do a shift at work, come home and spend the rest of the day until I go to sleep working on other things.
Recently I’ve been finding it harder to concentrate & focus – becoming more ditsy & just constantly thinking “meh, I just wanna sleep forever”
It’s like someone with a beautiful garden. You step in to it, look around & appreciate it’s beauty. However you never stop & think about the endless hours spent watering plants, trimming hedges etc or the sheer amount of money spent maintaining it. It doesn’t just happen.
I’m sure people in a similar situation feel the same. It’s a weird old industry. I feel like I can’t talk about being tired cause it’s not like ‘I have kids’ or am doing ’12 hour shifts in a care home’ etc. which I know is so daft. If you’re tired – you’re tired. You don’t have to excuse it. I’m the kind of ‘it-could-always-be-worse!’ person & thankfully, all the people around me are too. But it can manifest itself into a little ball of guilt. I feel so guilty about feeling tired that I don’t tell anyone I am … I know, daft right?
We are so hard on ourselves at this time of year. Pressure to achieve things at work. Pressure to get people amazing Christmas gifts. Pressure to be festive. Pressure to be socially active as everyone else appears to be. Pressure not to eat or drink too much. Pressure to enjoy yourself by eating & drinking too much cause “itz cristmuuusss”. Pressure to look good it really tight outfits even though you’re drinking & eating too much. Pressure to keep up with your gym routine even though it’s dark at like wtf 1pm & all you wanna do is sleep. Pressure, pressure, pressure. IT IS ALL SO UNNECESSARY! STOP! YOU DO YOU!
I’m not going through anything bad, I’m a really exciting point in my life – I’m just a bit burnt out!
The one thing I need is a break. Time out. As soon as I know what I’m up to, I’ll find a week to take off in the new year. If I had a magic money tin, I’d be on that plane PRONTO but as one has much to save for, a staycation is the answer. I can not wait! I’m gonna go back to my roots & cosy on down in the Cotswolds for a few days.
Thank you so much for reading & I wish you so much love as we enter a new year. Look after yourself!!!
Over & out, for now.