Dear Lockdown Diary…

Duotone_dtn10


It’s always good to write down how you’re feeling and it always helps to know that you’re not alone in how you feel…

My good friend gave me a diary last November to write down all of my thoughts – good or bad and I re-read it today and it encouraged me to start writing in it again.

Seeing as it’s Mental Health Awareness Week (which is every week, in my eyes) and lockdown seems to have played a huge part in how our mental wellbeing is, I thought I’d share my thoughts and feelings.

**I’m gonna be honest here and just to warn you that I will be going into detail so if you are in a dark place then just know that you’ve been pre-warned!

**Also I am just writing this and posting it straight away so it might not be gramatically correct or make sense but HEY that’s a diary entry for ya.


First of all I know that I’m okay, despite my mental health being so bad right now.

I am okay.

I am safe.

I am loved.

I am not alone …. Just got a brain that’s imbalanced right now.

So the start of lockdown was alright. I had my mental health on track because I had my anti-depressants.. (I’m on a low dose of Citalopram for mild depression)

Then I ran out and it has been SO HARD to get access to them. They should be getting delivered soon so I keep reminding myself …. Few weeks and I should be a bit more chemically balanced…


I was okay for about a week and then I became super sensitive. I was crying because other people were down and were going through stuff and the feeling of feeling helpless along with being an effing empath and actually FEELING their pain made me a MESS.

There are so many perks to being an empath but my god I wish I could just turn it off for lockdown.


Then one day a few weeks ago I woke up anxious.

I felt sick, overwhelmed, in a state of constant panic and I couldn’t pin point the trigger …

(NOTE.  U DON’T HAVE TO BE GOING THRU SOMETHING TO BECOME DEPRESSED OR ANXIOUS BTW IT IS AN ILLNESS LIKE ANY OTHER ILLNESS U CAN JUST GET ILL CAN WE NORMALIZE THIS PLEASE).

Since then I wake up every day feeling like something bad is gonna happen… I hate waking up each day. I wake up and just want this all to be over. This isn’t normally like me. Normal non-lockdown me is a massive morning person who springs outta bed and is ready to be productive and busy. But right now I unwillingly awake to feeling like I’m gonna spew or cry… like I am waiting for a call or text with some bad news from someone. It’s anxiety. I’ve had it before. It is the worst. UGH.

The trigger of this episode of anxiety is lockdown. Obviously.

I’m an actor whose family and friends are dotted around everywhere. My life is all over the place. My life is never still. I don’t always have a 9-5 in one place and sleep in the same house each night. I am everywhere. My work is everywhere. I currently live back in the Midlands but I’m always up North (cnt w8 2 move back up omg) and before lockdown I was in London loads. My routine is non-existent… I don’t have one. Everything is up in the air and spontaneous …  To be fair, my life sounds pretty anxiety inducing BUT that’s how I like it. The fact that I wake up in the same place each day and stay in the same place each day is killing me. I hate it. I feel so trapped. I feel like I’m in prison. I am not used to being so trapped. And all of my creative outlets right now seem like a chore because my anxiety and depression have exhuasted me and have overidden my thoughts. I’m a lil ball of nervous energy with no energy left. It makes no sense. I am so tired.

HOWWW can it take so much energy to just paint a bit of watercolour on a bit of canvas for ten minutes? I know it’s cause of everything going on and my mental health but CMON… 

A few weeks ago, my anxiety got me paranoid. I knew it was just my anxiety but that anxiety was trying to convince me that everyone hated me. No one loved me. No one wanted to be with me. Everyone thought I was a waste of space, a failure, annoying, useless, ugly… The anxiety voice in my head is telling me these things all the time. It’s reading into things when there’s nothing to read in to. It is taking all of my energy not to give into these thoughts. I am trying so hard to remind myself that I’m not an ugly, useless piece of shit. I know I’m not. And if you’re feeling the same then can you please remind yourself that you’re not? You are so amazing and you are so loved. You really are.

I’m naturally a very positive and optimistic person. I am also super laid back and chilled out so to have this other voice in my head feeding me negativity, when I am naturally the total opposite, is so draining. I am so tired of this.

I actually don’t help myself by being a jolly person. It means that I have to actually really ask for help and support from people cause no one can see it on the outside. I’m an empath too so no matter how low I am, I still laugh and joke and give loads of my energy to whoever I am with so unless I specifically say “Please help me, I am really struggling”. It’ll just be assumed I’m okay. And that’s no ones fault. It just goes to show that sometimes you need to ask for help… And it is okay to do that. It doesn’t make you a burden. 

On a lighter note…. I tend to find it easy to see the good and all I ever want to do is share that with people and raise them. I want so bad for everyone to know how truly amazing they are. Anyone I’m close to in real life hopefully knows how much I love them. This is dead corny and you will cringe but I genuinely just want to be like sunshine for people. So a perfect distraction for me when I feel anxious and low is to just be there for other people. Raising them and showing them love reminds me that I need to do the same for myself. Even more so now my MH is fucked.

It’s gonna be okay, eventually. Things will return to “normal”, eventually. I guess that the thing that is getting harder is the lack of knowing WHEN. This is something NO ONE CAN TRULY SAY FOR DEFFO. That alone creates anxiety. I find myself constantly saying “I just wanna know WHEN …”. 

I am tired of having no energy because of my depression and anxiety. I am tired of having to make sure I don’t feel guilty for not being super busy, creative and productive. I am tired of missing my family, friends, boyfriend, everyone. I am tired of seeing everyone else suffer.

I just want my life back and for everyone else to have theirs.

It’ll happen but for now all we can do is ride the wave ….. 


Duotone_dtn14


This post is a reminder to yourself that you’re not alone. You’re not a burden if you reach out. We are all finding it tough so we need to be there for each other as well as ourselves.

Read my last post if you missed it here.


Ellie xxx

 

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