a detrimental toxic trait…

PLEASE NOTE in this post I am specifically talking about male-female relationships; only because I am writing purely from experience. Of course these themes/traits apply to all genders and all kinds of relationships. We are all human and we are all equal.


Okay… this is gonna be a bit of a heavy post. I kept putting it off but I have like 567890 drafts waiting to be finished and posted and I just want them OUT…

I have been unfortunately inspired recently to talk and write about *some* men finding women only attractive when they are “modest” and by modest I do not mean the dictionary definition of the term; I mean said men sayingmodest” but meaning insecure…

Here is what really sparked it off for me:

I recently had a coversation with a man where I discussed a girl close to me saying She is so beautiful but she just doesn’t see it at all, she thinks she’s nothing and the man actually said to me “Aww I think that’s really nice though” (I am actually squirming as I write this because the same man had said the same thing before and it makes me feel so sick and uneasy thinking about it). We then talked about how he found that attractive…

That is SUCH a toxic and damaging way to find a woman attractive.

So do you mean that if she was full of confidence and love for herself, you would not feel the same way? Would you class her as “vain” or “full of herself”?

Growing up, I saw, read and watched a lot of straight men suggesting and telling a woman to wear something different if her skin was showing because men would find it arousing… Like it is her fault, like showing skin is dangerous cause it’s gonna turn a man on. Here’s a truth – women and GIRLS are not responsible for a men, their urges and responses. 

HAHA so as if to say, as if to say, a woman is worth more for dressing a certain way… As if covering her flesh adds value to her worth… Let us not still be stuck in a Victorian way of thinking. 

As a girl, adult women would always tell me that a boy would be intimidated by my confidence so it made me want to dampen my own personality for boys to find me attractive because back then, we were raised in a society to just aim to be attractive to men. THAT is wear so much of this toxic problem stems from.

I used to have boys tell me to my face that my confidence was “too much” – but I am an extrovert who happens to be an actor, who happens to want to spread happiness to people … am I supposed to transform into the very opposite of my being in order to be accepted by a boy? Go fuck yourself.

I have had men try to dim my light and tone me down and when quizzed, it’s apparent my confidence makes them more insecure so rather than working on the root of their issues, they want to project it on to me and tame me. THAT is how so many relationships become toxic. Women, never ever dim your light in order to brighten your partners insecurity. It’ll only end up hurting YOU. 

Now confidence covers a lot of things – self love, self assurance, self worth, not being afraid to be who you are, going after what you want, being proud, being loud, not taking any shit …. So as young girls, this is another thing engrained into us that men like a modest woman.

That actually makes me wanna vom.

I’ve experienced it and it is so, so toxic. I do not want anything to do with any man that wants their woman to be really “modest”(insecure) … Or worse, FINDS IT REALLY ATTRACTIVE when they are “modest”(insecure)

A HUGE part of how I use my social media is to get the message out there that it is acceptable to love who you are … It doesn’t mean you are vain or arrogant to feel beautiful and want to show that… I do it for myselfand also to show others that it’s okay.

I love NOTHING MORE than seeing someone OPENLY LOVE THEMSELVES AND WHO THEY ARE because we all deserve that. It doesn’t matter about gender here.

We SHOULD be full of ourselves … That does NOT mean we think we are any better than anyone else… It simply means we fully accept who we are and we love ourselves. It is NOT the job of a man to give us that love… For that love can be used to manipulate which is incredibly toxic and damaging to wellbeing and mental health.

A friend of mine recalled the times she’s said “thank you” to a man complimenting her but some have been confused as to why she didn’t dismiss it. Are we supposed to say “I’m not pretty haha wtf noooo”?! just cause that’s what is expected from women? One of the things I love most about my sister is when she is complimented on how good she looks and she simply responds “I know”. Brilliant.

… If someone was to ever say to me they didn’t find it attractive or appealing that I have learnt to love who I am, after years of not, I would, quite simply tell them to fuck off.

This mentality can come from insecurity in the person themselves and they feel threatened by a partner who is secure in themselves. This is really unhealthy for both parties.

There is nothing wrong if a man is insecure… We all have our insecurities … But to project that onto your want of an ideal partner? (I mean this in the kindest way but) Please re-evaluate and educate yourself. Look after your insecurities and your mental health first.

Is the whole “modesty” issue solely linked to insecurity? Are other factors also part of it? Upbringing, social culture, religion etc… It must go deeper than what I write here on the surface but a little blog post can only do so much.

A pal of mine said they know men who see “modest”/insecure women as a “project” to give them confidence but once they have achieved that, they are no longer interested. This exists for all sexes though and I know a toxic trait I used to have  and be guilty of when I was younger was the whole “savoir complex” cause I am naturally caring… None of this is healthy for anyone… It is twisted, it is weird.

I know plenty of men who aren’t like this and there are men who like modesty in the actual sense of the word. That’s cool! If you’re not toxic, great, if you are, get in the bin.

Men with this toxicity aren’t attractive. Men recognising they were like this in the past and are honest about it? Fair play, nice one. Men recognising they are like this now and want to help themselves and accept responsibility? YES. U got this. Big love.

I don’t know about you but a man with a healthy and uplifting attitude towards women loving their beautiful and strong selves is quite simply, how it should be.

Like I normally say… I do not intend for this to be a man-hating read ( I love ya ) but more to shed light and educate. I mean no harm or ill intent, I just want people to feel safe and be happy and free.

Women, please look out for this. Take care of each other.

Oh and you know that 1d song about not knowing you’re beautiful? Let us not. Ew. Women are lit so fkin beautiful.

Thank you so much for reading. May good karma bless your soul. Big love.

El xxx

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